The Joys and Sorrows of The Common Nap

   When was the last time you took a nap? If you said during U.S. history, I empathize with you, but you really don't know what you're missing. I, myself, just got done with a six hour nap, not because I was that tired, but because my body needed to repair itself, and I'm only halfway through the process. It's one of the many few joys of napping and one of the only situations I can justify wasting part of my procrastination hours on sleep.
   To nap, or not to nap, that is the only question¹, whether 'tis safer to suffer the slings and arrows of yonder head ache, or to take arms against head pain and by napping end them? Aye, there's the rub.
   Don't get me wrong, maybe normal people are perfectly capable of napping without consequence. I just know that I have a horrible time of it. And, by horrible, I mean ucky-feeling and self-kicking; and by time of it, I mean in the hours following my nap.
   First, it must be noted that, for every nap I take willingly, there are nine unwilling naps. These usually occur during Star Trek (or Doctor Who) when I'm on my couch being comfortable. If those conditions are met, there is a thirty-three percent chance that I will be asleep the next time you look at me. If I'm comfortably warm on a cold day, that probability doubles. If I obtained less than six hours of sleep the night before (almost every night) that probability rises by ten percent before it is doubled by being warm.
   When I nap without a valid need to do so, e.g. a migraine or relatives, I wake up feeling horrible. I'll have just enough of a headache to piss me off. My mouth will taste funny, and will make everything else tastes funny, and my stomach will insist I need food while simultaneously insist that I've poisoned it somehow. I might even wake up with a limb that doesn't want to move because I was sleeping on it and it's still a-fucking-sleep.  
   It's like my body has a hat full of bits of paper labeled "Nap" and "Watching Doctor Who" and other such activities,  and every day, starting at three o'clock and ending at ten o'clock, it draws a paper in fifteen minute intervals and determines my level of consciousness from it. On a good day, with optimal circumstances, there would be about three "Nap" slips for every six "Doctor Who" slips. Slips are added and subtracted based on various factors, until you have the current set up for the day. After that, it's like playing Russian Roulette with a gun that has six bullets. You're, well, I'm, fucked; unless you take preventative measure, there is no way to go unscathed.
   So, preventative measures; you'd think they'd be something I could just get used to doing everyday, yeah? Hah, you're funny. I can't always take the appropriate measures to avoid a case of the naps. Why? Well, part of it is because I haven't actually figured out all the things that cause me to nap. I know that not getting enough sleep at night, headaches, warmth, and watching my favorite TV shows seem to cause it. In the past I thought it was related to the protein content in my dinner, but I've since decided that excuse if bullshit. It's hard to prevent what you don't know about; for all I know, my mapping problem is caused by the government brain implant that keeps me as docile as they can manage (which, actually, is pretty damn docile). I don't know about that implant, but it might be the cause. My napping might be their way of ensuring that I don't have time to start a revolution against The Man, reducing me to simply raging against the machine² that allows the Man to have power. So, really, there's no sure-fire way to save myself. Or is there?
   Truth be told, I'm starting to suspect my entire personality is the result of living in a place where the sun only visits for the half of the year that I tend to spend being a hermit in the middle of town. Last summer, I only went outside because my mum wasn't in great shape, so if fell to me to water plants and shit. The summer before that, I don't remember even going outside - wait, no, I did, I went out for a robotics car wash and got a nasty sunburn, like always. So, what does sunlight have to do with sleep? Well, it stimulates your body, causing it to produce more serotonin, which is supposed to boost your mood (among other things, one of which is control your appetite), for one. For another, it also causes your skin to produce vitamin D₃, which is necessary for bone health, and just about everything, and has been linked to increased feelings of not-depression in depression patients (This is my source, by the way), though, D₃ may or may not be related to why I can't nap if I've gone outside and gotten a good dose of sunlight. 
   So, maybe, all I need to keep from wasting my time on napping is to invest significantly less time into exposing my skin to the sun and avoiding soap (because soap removes all the D₃
   Still, napping has its place in my life. Sometimes, it's worth just taking a nap for no reason other than the fact that your relatives are visiting and you really don't want to have a baby shoved in your general direction again. If you wake up while they're still there, you can always pretend to be asleep until they're not looking and slink off to your room to continue pretending to be in a coma. Or, you might have a migraine (I have one right now). Napping is a great way to get rid of those pesky migraines, man. Sometimes I'll be stubborn and attempt to fight my way through the rest of the day, but normally I just give up at the first sign of a headache, because, really, I cannot function in a normal capacity when my brain feels like it's got a rail-road spike in it that I accidentally jostle every time I think, whether I'm moving or not. I get them more often than I admit to because admitting to having one usually means admitting to having caused it by, theoretically, accepting ice cream freely given, for example. I get migraines from sugar. Or wheat. Or both. I really don't know. And, when I have a weak moment, god dammit, it's almost always in the face of ice cream or cake or pie, despite the fact that I don't even like that stuff anymore. I must be a masochist or something. No, really. 


   In other news it's the weekend, meaning I can sleep in for two days straight! So, have a great Saturday and Sunday (which comes after) and get some sunshine this weekend, guys. Seriously. It'll make you happier with your lot in life, even if only by a little.


¹Well, the only question relevant to this blog post, at least. Some guy named Hamlet said something about existing, but he was just being emo, yeah?
²Hello, not-so-subtle reference to a band I like.