Derping Photos

   Normally, I ignore photos on Facebook, because, let's face it, most of them are crap. We all know this, so I don't need to comment on them most days. But, no, I signed on this morning and saw one that made me think.

Like this, only with real people.

   I would have ignored it - because, really, it was Karen and Brian¹, so they're exactly who I would expect to take derpy photos. No, it was the fact that I'd seen it before, only with different losers. I don't know what would possess someone let someone photograph them doing something so stupid. I mean, if nothing else, you're risking getting your face licked by a creature that knows better (not a dog) while simultaneously attempting to get so close to licking their face without actually doings so that you can taste what they had for lunch.  I'll ignore the other explanation - that the people in these photos are trying to French kiss and getting it horribly, horribly wrong on camera. Not that I'd be surprised if that were the case - I mean, I never see attractive people do this - and on the rare occasion you do see an unstaged photo of attractive people doing this, it looks less like derping and more like a mating ritual, as it should.
   In cases like this, it's not the camera's fault that you come out looking like you were on the wrong side of the door when God was handing out photogenics. No, it's entirely your fault for making yourself look stupid in the first place. You may have thought it would be awesome, but that's because you couldn't see the stupid look on your loll-tongued face.
   Sometimes, yeah, it's not your fault. For every awesome, or even relatively not stupid, face your face makes, there are around ten to twenty retarded transition faces. This is especially true for when you're talking. I've developed a hyper awareness to cameras for this reason, so that I don't end up in photos like this one:

Crappily drawn car innards are crappily drawn.

   I have a hard enough time looking dignified without people photographing me when I'm derping out to whatever happens to be blasting into my ears through my headphones at the moment. Unfortunately, this sensitivity to cameras usually kicks in about .21 seconds before the shutter clicks, giving me just enough time to look directly at it and widen my eyes in alarm, an involuntary action, I assure you.  So all 'candid' photos of me look the same.

A pretty accurate recreation of my expression when photographed.

¹ Karen and Brian here are used in reference to a Dane Cook sketch - The Friend Nobody Likes.