Unlike some individuals of my gender and age, I do not have what we in the business call a "baby." If you've never had the confusing experience of being around a member of the human species before it reaches that stage of maturity where it's capable of taking care of itself, you may not understand what a baby is. Luckily, I've prepared a lovely way of explaining the common infant to you. Unless, of course, you've never spent five minutes around a cat. In which case, I'm sorry, but you'll have to learn from personal experience. Good luck, and keep your hair away from it.
Babies are like cats. Or, rather, cats do a hell of a job acting like babies. In fact, cats are so good at pretending to be babies that their vocalizations are on similar frequency to a crying baby's. No, I'm not lying. Those of you who have a cat handy, I'm not one of you. My neurotic kitty is currently hiding in terror under my bed because we have family visiting.
Look at your cat. What do you do for that cat on a regular basis? Chances are, you are its main source of food. It's not very good food - who the fuck decided that cats should eat corn/wheat based kibble in the first place? - but it's food, and it keeps them from actually having to risk injury catching a bird or something. Also, it's way easier. Babies do the same thing, with one key difference: they are generally incapable of catching and eating birds. It's got something do with their immobility combined with their lack of immune system or something like that. I don't know; my experience with infants is limited to staring alarmedly1 at them from across the room.
There is an equally good chance that you have a box full of a sand-like substance somewhere in your house for your cat to use for... ahem. Anyhow, this box requires cleaning every one to three days, depending on how many cats you have and how picky they are about the amenities.Some people can train their cats to use toilets, yeah, and some cats go outside, but, for the common house cat, it's usually the litter box for them. Babies require diapers - and they get rashes. Do you see where I'm going with this train of thought?
Communication. Babies are pretty good at it. I mean, they cry when they want food or attention or have managed to get something wrapped around their own neck (until they can't cry anymore, at any rate), and they're damn persistent about it. They will cry themselves red in the face until you realize that it's baby thinking, Are you a fucking retard? I want that thing that's just out of my reach, not a goddamn bottle you moron. Some parents get lucky and have a baby that makes different noises for what they want - I'm pretty sure most of them have, like, two kinds of crying, and one of those happens when they want me to go away.
Compare this to the common house cat. Adult cats don't really bother with meowing at all unless there's a human present to take advantage of. Wikipedia says so, so it must be true. And it doesn't stop there, they have so many variations of the sound that we don't even know how it's supposed to be spelled (Squeaker insists it's mrow, but she might just be responding to the fact that I'm talking to her). Even better, cats understand our body language - so do babies, yeah, I know, but, you know what? Babies don't really get the connection between you pointing and the fact that their attention should be on the explosion you're pointing at until they've spent almost a whole year on this planet (at which point they use their new-found knowledge to point at things that aren't there and steal our souls). Even at my cat's age - seven or eight - most kids lack the basic understanding necessary to realize that my body language says, I clearly do not want to associate with you, oh my God, will you go away and stop getting your sticky hands all over my stuff? Cats? Cats fuckin' get that, man (and their response is, usually, to love you like you've never wanted them to).
Have you ever stroked a baby? You, yeah, you in the back. Yeah, I'm calling the FBI. Step away from the baby you sick freak. So, for those of us who aren't getting arrested in the next day or two... moving on.
Cats are geniuses. No, I'm not just being biased, okay? Yeah, your baby? Maybe it's smart, for a baby, but compared to a cat, it's a moron. Mothers take care of babies - most of the time - because they have a biological need to and they bond with them because it's hard not to care for something you've put so many hours into (I mean, I care a lot about my Pokemon, too) even if those were not necessarily voluntary hours. Cat owners (and dog owners, to an extent) take care of creatures that actually don't really need us that much because we want to. Cats have so thoroughly manipulated us - usually by being adorable and fluffy when we first meet them - that we take care of them without needing a biological reason to do so.
Okay, I'll admit it, owning a cat can be like parenting a teenager in some cases. I mean, Merlin eats our food, sleeps in our house, would wear our clothes if he wasn't a nudist, and would use our internet if he could read, and yet he treats us (mostly me), for the most part, like crappy teenagers treat their awesome parents. So, yeah, owning a cat isn't always the greatest thing ever, and every cat you get is like playing Russian2 roulette, where the bullet is actually the neurotic cat that doesn't want to be outside and will pee on you out of fear if she hears the neighbors while you're trying to help her conquer that fear. Also, if you're a male, you'll probably have a hard time getting a girl friend.
1 This is not a word, but it should be.
2 Since a revolver loads six and kittens usually come in six-packs, like anyrespectable beer, I figured this was a pretty great simile. Just thought you should know that.
1 This is not a word, but it should be.
2 Since a revolver loads six and kittens usually come in six-packs, like any
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