Magic In Valeris

Disclaimer: This information is tentative and subject to change within the next five minutes, if I'm so inclined. Also, when you get to the part about "What is Mana," do not complain that I obviously have no idea what radiation and particles and stuff can do, because I'm aware of this. I chose to describe it the way I did because it made sense to me. Also, it's fucking magic. Additionally, I'm not responsible for any typos or such present in this document; if you can't tell by the snark in the latter half, I'm pretty much quitting before I hate myself. 

Fig. 1:  Elements connected by a straight line are complementary, while elements directly opposite one another are mutually exclusive.

What is Magic?

Magic is the collective term for the act of exciting and utilizing mana in various ways. It is the official stance of the Arcanum that all magic is elemental.

Elements? What are those?                                                              

The elements represent the basic building blocks of the universe. There are six confirmed elements: earth, air, fire, water, light, and dark. Each has different aspects and capabilities unique to its nature. Two others, Space and Spirit show evidence of existing in the form of spells that are achieved without using the six confirmed elements, but concrete proof has yet to be discovered of their existence and if there are elemental beings associated with them, evidence of such beings has not been found; the Arcanum, however, accepts their possible existence as truth.

So, what is mana?

Mana is a naturally occurring form of radiation generated by life itself that presents itself in the form of high energy particles. These particles can be either active or inert. Active mana has been excited by the will of the user (the will of the user being the process by which a being manipulates their own inner mana to affect the ambient mana of the world around them) to be put toward a purpose, such as a glamour or a portal. Inert mana, as the name suggests, is mana that is in a state of rest, ready to be activated.

They use their own mana to do magic, then?

In a sense, yes. An individual’s ability to sustain a spell or cast many spells without resting is proportional to the amount of mana they naturally accumulates in their body, as they expend small amounts of it to excite the mana in the environment.

What happens when they run out of mana?

Running out of mana can have severe consequences if a mage pushes himself past his limit. Magic becomes much more difficult to use and control as a mage approaches his personal limit. At that limit, the mage becomes unable to control their spells for a time, depending on the physical health of the user; this effectively prevents the user from using magic, as wild spells are too dangerous to use unless absolutely necessary. Exceeding one’s personal limit results, more often than not, in death; rarely a mage will simply be knocked unconscious and wake up unable to do any magic for the remainder of their life, which will be considerably shorter than most individuals of their race.

Wild Spells?

Mages who lack the discipline necessary to properly control active mana may accidentally turn the most harmless of spells into deadly curses. These curses are referred to as ‘Wild Spells,’ because of their wild nature.

So, how do they keep control of the mana, then?

Most individuals are incapable of working with mana safely without utilizing any of a number of methods to keep their mind clear. First among these methods is the spoken word; a mage may use any words, so long as they do not get distracted by them while working. Most choose to chant a well-loved verse from a folk song or the holy scripture of their choice.  The second method is through written words; It was discovered long ago that the written word has the power to organize the flow of mana in ways the spoken word cannot. The written word is used exclusively for a number of spells that have been discovered over the years which can only be cast (by the average mage) by writing them down (e.g. portals, spells of farseeing, and wards of protection). Meditation, and other forms of relaxation, may also be used, or combined with either of the previous two.

Is it easy for most mages to learn to clear their mind?

For safety reasons, any mage undergoing formal schooling will be forced to undergo several years of discipline studies (often augmented by a general education that covers the core subjects of human education – Maths, history, language, art, and science – as well as magic theory).  Without this, most mages find it very difficult to keep their mind clear.

Formal schooling?

Because of the magical nature of nearly all of Valeris’s peoples, schooling is required for almost all youths (except those incapable of using magic, though it is recommended that such individuals also be schooled to prevent late bloomers with no clue of how to use their power safely), beginning early in life and ending as soon as it can be certain that a youth will not accidently kill everyone while trying to boil water. Those who choose to continue their studies may apply for any of Valeris’s universities; they are often referred to as arcanums, though the term actually refers to the individual schools of study within each university, rather than the university itself.  Individuals do, however, slip through the cracks often enough, especially among lower-class citizens. Occasionally, a noble might choose to hire a tutor and have their child(ren) homeschooled.

Arcanums?

Universities are divided into four schools of study corresponding to the four physical elements (Earth, air, fire water). Students are sorted into these schools depending on their elemental aptitude. Which Arcanum a student ends up in determines what their classes will focus on; students with a high aptitude in multiple elements may choose which Arcanum to enter, with the option of enrolling in the Arcanum(s) of their other element(s) following mastery in their chosen Arcanum.

Maybe you should explain the elements for me. What about Light and Dark? Space and Spirit?

As we’ve already discussed, all magic is elemental in nature, and there are six confirmed elements: Earth, air, water, fire, light, and dark, as well as two hypothetical elements: space and spirit. The first four are the physical elements, so called because they can touched with the bare hand (though, touching fire is not advised). The vast majority of mages are capable of using these four elements to some degree, usually displaying a high aptitude for a single element, rarely two, hence the reason why universities have four schools corresponding to them. Light and Dark, on the other hand, are metaphysical, as they lack substance or material form. It’s estimated that less than two percent of mages are capable of using light or dark magic at all, but a large percentage of them are exceedingly talented at using one or the other and may also display an aptitude for the two elements linked to whichever of the two they favor.  Space and spirit are also metaphysical, at best, and seem to be unable to exist independent of the other elements (races capable of using space/spirit magic are also able to use at least one other element).

Linked elements?

Magic is generally illustrated using a six-pointed star (see fig. 1), consisting of two triangles. The first triangle consists of light, fire, and air, with Spirit represented along its base; it is referred to as the Spirit trigram for that reason. The second triangle consists of dark, earth, and water, with space on its base; it’s called the Space Trigram.

You said earlier that the elements have unique attributes. What are they?

Yes, yes I did. You just had to pick the question with the lengthiest answer, didn’t you? Well, no matter, I’ll just power through this.   Each element has times in which it is most powerful or least powerful, elementals related to it, a specific color, etc. So, let’s go through all that all organized like:

Earth

Earth magic can be used in a number of ways, from shaking the very earth itself to breaking a boulder cleanly in two to accelerating the growth of plants. It is associated with the color green; thus students in the Earth Arcanum are given green cloaks upon attaining mastery. Earth magic is at its strong during the spring months and in the middle of the night. West is its cardinal direction and it’s presiding deity is Gnome, who is worshipped almost exclusively by the Dryads, or the three elemental beings of Earth. Earth adepts are often characterized as being on or more of the following: grounded, calm, stoic, friendly, or pensive. Earth complements and is complemented by water and dark.

                        Air

Air magic is used to manipulate airflow, allowing the user to control the wind or fly, among other things. Because it is associated with the color yellow, students who master it in the Arcanum are given a yellow cloak. Its cardinal direction is east, and its presiding deity is Sylph, worshipped by the three Zephyrs. It’s strongest during the autumn and at dawn. Air adepts are often one or more of the following: uninhibited, whimsical, transparent (heart-on-their-sleeve-ishness), adventurous, or fickle. It is complemented by and complements fire and light.

                Water

Water magic manipulates water, including water vapor In the air; it can be used to heal, scry, or walk on water (if one was so inclined), among other things. It is, of course, associated with blue, thus Water adepts are given blue cloaks on mastery at the Arcanum. It’s cardinal direction is North and it’s presiding deity is Undine; it’s elemental beings are the Nereids. Water adepts are often enigmatic, cool, collected, flexible of mind, patient, and/or easy-going. Water complements and is complemented by earth and dark.

                Fire

Fire magic can be used to in several practical ways, from heating up the air in a room or the water in a cup (actually, this one doesn’t go over so well, most of the time), to demolishing an entire city. It is associated with the color red; obviously Fire adepts get red robes. It’s cardinal direction is – shock and awe – south, and it’s presiding deity is Salamander, who is worshipped by the Ifreets. Fire adepts are often subject to passion, anger, greed, or Don Juan Syndrome. Complements/mented by: air and light.

                Light

Light magic manipulates, uh, light; it can be used to light a dark room or blind and enemy or see in the dark… or, other light-related things, like being invisible. It’s associated with the color white. Because light adepts are rare, so there is no school for them in the Arcanum, however most light adepts are talented in at least one other element and so join that Arcanum, taking lessons in light elemental magic on the side; upon attaining mastery, light adepts are given a white cloak trimmed in the color of the Arcanum they entered.  Light’s direction is up (skyward), and it’s presiding deity is Hemera, who is worshipped by the Hyperions. Complemented/complements: fire and air

                Dark

Dark magic deals with shadows and the absence of light; dark magic might be found most useful by assassins, as it can be used to sneak about at night, blind an enemy (a different way than light), dim or put out lights, and control shadows (yes, there are ways for dark adepts to kill someone using their shadow).  Dark magic is, of course, associated with black. It’s direction is down (to the depths of the earth), and it’s presiding deity, Nyx, is worshipped by the Morae. Like light adepts, dark adepts are usually talented in at least on other element and receive a black cloak trimmed in a bright shade of that element’s color upon attaining mastery in it.

                Spirit and Space

From what we’ve observed, Spirit and Space are both colorless. Space deals with matter and its location in the universe; it is used for Alchemy, portals, and sealing/summoning spells. Spirit deals with a power we’ve only just begun to explore; some scholars are calling it the soul. With Spirit magic, you can plant thoughts in others minds, compel them to do things they might otherwise not do, and, if you’re a cubi, use the seduction arts.

So, what about non-light/-dark adepts with talents in multiple elements? What is someone was adept at spirit or space magic?

I assume you’re asking about what color cloak the receive from the Arcanum. Generally they will be better at one element than the other(s), so they would receive a cloak the color of their favored element with trim matching the color(s) of the other(s). And individual talent in space or spirit magic would make history, first. If they chose to study at the university, they would surely be given a cloak unlike any other ever created, and pressured relentlessly to remain as a teacher once their studies were completed.

Are certain races typically better with certain elements than others?

Most definitely. The Drow, for example, seem to have a higher likelihood of producing dark adepts. Other races are capable of using only one element (e.g. the valkyries can only use air), or are horrible with certain elements (merfolk are universally incapable of using fire magic). Many races lack the capacity for powerful magicks at all (such as the Aellae, who can only use the weakest of air magicks).  

Could you give us some example of common spells and which elements they relate to?

Uh, sure. I assume you’re not referring to elemental combat spells, since they’re kind of obviously related to the elements they come from. “Fire ball” isn’t the most subtle of names after all. Glamours are space magic, as they change your appearance by sealing certain traits (wings, horns, etc.) or physically changing your appearance (making your hair short and dark as opposed to long and silver; changing your body’s build to make you closer to the average height/build of a human; etc). Portals are also space spells, as the bend space and connect two points, allowing you to travel thousands of miles in a single step. Compulsions are spirit magic. The cubi and the zyrens obtain sustenance through spirit magic, making them the most compelling argument for the existence of the spirit element, as they cannot survive without feeding on the life-forces of other beings. Weather magic is related to both air and water. There are plenty of examples, you just need to look.

I’ve heard stories about mages that are actually made of their element…

Yes, Melvin you have. That would be because every couple of generations a power-hungry mage somehow figures out how to do exactly that. Theoretically, it would seem like a good idea, as long as you avoided the element opposite your own. In practice, however, it has shown to be awful; the mage soons loses himself to the nature of his element and become uncontrollable. We’ve had to execute most of them; those that still live do so only because they managed to escape our custody. Don’t give me that look; have you ever tried to capture a man made of air? We call them Shades, because they are mere shadows of the humans they once were.

Are there any mages capable of mastering all of the elements?

It has happened in the past. The last recorded instance of an omnimage was Caelen of Dracomor over a hundred years ago, and he perished when the massive dragon he summoned promptly ate him. We don’t know what causes omnimagi to exist, but they are exceedingly rare. Frankly, this is probably a good thing; omnimagi tend to have a higher tolerance for magic use as well as more refined control of mana.

Omnimagi? Are there terms like that for other types of mages?

Of course there are. Mages talented in only one element are ‘monomagi,’ though we generally refer to them simply as mages. If someone is talented in two or more elements, they are ‘polymagi,’ unless they’re adept at all of them, at which time they become ‘omnimagi.’ Within the Arcanum, mages also have ranks within their orders, universal throughout all universities, denoting their mastery.

All the schools of magic denote their first three tiers of mastery as Initiate, Apprentis, and Novitiate, because it’s not completely obvious that they intentionally misspelled apprentice. Following that, a mages’ title will differ between the elemental school and their intent to pursue further study. Those choosing to complete their studies and get on with life will then become Journeymen with their fourth tier, while a student choosing to pursue their studies for much long will retain their novitiate title, simple adding to it to denote their element: Novitiate Spirae, Novitiate Pyrae, Novitiate Undae, or Novitiate Demetae. Fifth tier journeymen become Master Journeymen;  fifth tier students become Magicate, retaining their elemental tag (I.e. Magicate Spirae, Magicate Pyrae, Magicate Undae, or Magicate Demetae). After mastering the fifth tier, Magicate is replaced with Master (e.g. Master Spirae) and are awarded their cloaks. Seventh and Eighth tier mages are given the official titles of Magus and Archmagus respectively, losing their elemental tag and simply going by their name (most choose to go by their last name, while some simply make up something that sounds impressive; for example, Magus Smith doesn’t sound too impressive, while Magus Carrick might sound more appealing). Polymagi who choose to pursue study in another Arcanum would technically have two titles. For example someone who has achieved mastery in air (Master Spirae) and chooses to pursue study in fire would be known as Initiate Master Spirae. By the time they hit forth tier in their second element, they’ll have been elevated to Magus in their first element, eliminating clumsy titles like Novitiate Pyrae Master Spirae in favor of Magus-Novitiate Pyrae.

Adept, of course, simply refers to someone talented in an element and almost always follows an element, water adept, fire adept, etc. It is generally used to refer to those mages that chose not to attend a university.

The Ring Part I

      It was well after dark, and we were gathered in our tent preparing to watch The Ring on Shelby's portable DVD player. It was looking to be a pretty epic evening, honestly. I was with my best friends, Kira and Shelby, and our other friend, Lisa, and we were having a camp-out in Shelby's backyard. As activities of camping go, it sounds safe until you find out that it's communal and there are three different entrances to said back yard, meaning our only real defense was the fact that if we screamed a whole hell of a lot, someone might come help us, and maybe one of us could sprint fast enough to make it to Shelby's apartment before we were all slaughtered in our sleep. 
      We popped the movie in and settled down. Kira was right beside me, sort of clinging to my arm for comfort before we even got to the point of pressing play on the menu. Lisa got up, saying something about going to the bathroom or getting food or something and telling us to go ahead and start the movie. I didn't think much of it and I was actually sort of glad for the reprieve from Lisa and her habit of pretending she was being inhabited by that guy from Yugioh, which was growing increasingly creepy, so I was content to focus on the movie. 
      If you've ever seen The Ring, you may share my current opinion of it - damn that was a fucking boring movie. Back then, however, I thought it and The Grudge were the king and queen of the horror genre, because everyone kept saying how scary they were.  So I was ready to be scared by the movie, because not only was it supposed to be scary, but I was also watching it with one of the biggest horror light-weights I know, Kira. The minute she started getting really scared, I'd start sponging off her and get scared as well. 
      That minute happened to be within the first few minutes of the movie. I watched mesmerized, unable to tear my eyes away from what might potentially scar me for life if I watched it with Kira. My heart rate quickened; my breathing grew shallow, quiet with fear; my eyes became acutely aware of the movie; and my hearing sharpened considerably. These same things happen to me almost every time I actually get scared, and my hearing will get so sharp that I will hear things that either (a) aren't there or (b) should be inaudible (ex. I sometimes hear the character(s) talking when the TV is muted). In addition to those things, my mind also begins to race down dark, paranoid avenues, and I'm distracted and focused completely at the same moment. 
      We're less than ten minutes into the movie when I swivel my head around toward the opening of the tent - which is less than six inches away from my back and zipped closed. What was that? Chances are it was just Kira fidgeting or my ears making crap up, but I could have sworn I heard something out of the ordinary. There it was again. Breathing, the heavy, creepy kind; it was the kind of breathing that horror stories make a huge deal about. 

      Brad had been gone for twenty minutes when Alice heard someone breathing outside. It was heavy, wet breathing, as though its owner's throat was constricted or they were in pain. Brad! Alice thought, he must be hurt. Grabbing her flashlight, she unzips the tent's door and steps outside. Slowly, she searched her surroundings, looked for Brad; he'd sounded close. Everything seemed fine, and she was sure she'd imagined the noise after all, when her flashlight caught a flash of red, just like Brad's jacket. 

      She jogged over. He was laying on his side, his back to her. "Brad?" He doesn't respond, so she reaches out to him, putting a hand on his shoulder an shaking him a little. Instead of waking, he rolls lifelessly onto his back. Alice screams. Brad's eye have been gouged out, his jaw hangs open, showing the empty space where his tongue used to be, and his chest has been pried open, like a wardrobe with stubborn doors, and his heart removed. 

      She backs up quickly, tripping over a branch and landing on her rear. Her flashlight beam momentarily lights up a spot high on the truck of the tree above them. It's long enough for her to see Brad's eyes, tongue and heart nailed up there, still bloody. She's shocked into silence for a moment, unable to comprehend what she'd just seen. 

      Suddenly a hand comes down on her shoulder. Startled, she screams and attempts to get away. "Miss, Miss," a soothing voice says. "Are you okay? I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you." She calms down enough to look up at this stranger. He looks innocent enough. "I was just finishing changing the tire on my car when I heard you scream and came running to help." She didn't want to trust him, but who else could she trust? She was alone. "Your friend's dead, Miss, why don't you come back to my car with me, I'll give you a lift into town and we'll get the police out here looking for the killer."  Against her better judgement, she took his hand and allowed him to lead her back to his car. 

      A family of campers stumbled upon an abandoned tent and a corpse not three yards from it. The corpse was missing its eyes, tongue and heart, all of which were nailed to the tree above it. There was evidence of a woman in the tent, the police found, and this mysterious woman became their prime suspect. However, she was never found.

      Suddenly this entire night seemed like a horrible idea. "Guys, did you hear that?" I asked, shivering with my fear and the coolness of the night. They both look at me quizzically, Kira looking more scared by the second, as if to say, "what?" "That," I say, hearing the breathing again. 
      Kira whimpers and clings to me more seriously. Shelby finally notices that Lisa's been gone for a long time. "Maybe I should go check on Lisa," she says, getting up. Talk about bravery, I thought, watching her leave. That left just Kira and me, the biggest chickens of the quartet. 
      As we're sitting there, waiting for Shelby and/or Lisa to return, we grow more apprehensive. After what feels like an eternity, we've gotten to the point where we've shut the movie off and are currently leeching off each other's fear to create more fear in a vicious circle of unending fear that could only be worse if it spiraled straight into the bowels of Hell itself. 
      I felt safer with something against my back, even if it was a flimsy cloth tent wall, and I somehow managed to put myself on one of the walls despite the older girl clinging to my arm in fear. I heard something outside, and then something spoke behind me, "Do you want to play?" Its voice was deep, gravelly and it scared the shit out of me and Kira. We took to screaming, and I dove toward the center of the tent. 
      When nothing further happened, we slowly calmed down. There was nothing to be scared abou- Ohmygod! Laughter, crazy, maniacal, serial killer laughter. Kira and I clung to each other in fear, screaming with fearful abandon. Whatever was out there, it had already killed Lisa and Shelby and it was after us now! We continued to scream as it began to harry our tent, shaking it and scratching at the sides, laughing all the while. 

Corn-uary

     Until just last year, we grew corn in our garden during the summer. We'd plant the seed in spring, and watch as it sprouted. It would grow, until it reached our knees, at which time the cats, Tardzilla and Captain Apathy, took to playing "Jungle Cats," in it's shady tunnels. then it would grow some more, to waist height, shoulder height, and finally Shaq height. By midsummer, it loomed over us, a vibrant forest that would bear tasty treats come August.

     I always looked forward to the corn until about halfway through the harvest, when suddenly corn was the opposite of appetizing. It was best husked, boiled, and slathered in a generous dose of butter. The first few weeks of Corn-uary were always the best. Corn on the cob every night.

     It was, of course, during the first week of Corn-uary that I developed my irrational fear of corn plants. "Go get some corn from the garden," my mom told me.

     Honestly, I had my doubts. I didn't even like it outside - there were spiders and bees and insects I couldn't identify out there! What if something bit me and I died of malaria or something? Besides, the internet was more amusing.

     But I went anyway. It can't be that bad, I reasoned, Mom comes out here to do this all the time. By the end of this thought, I'd crossed the scant ten yards between the patio and the corn patch. I took a moment before immersing myself in the jungle to review how I was supposed to chose ears. It's the ones with the brown stringy bits instead of the not brown ones, right? There was no one there to validate my guess, so I pushed on.

     The first and second ears were effortless. I managed to pick beautiful specimens. I became careless.

     I reached for the third ear, noting how it looked just like the two I'd just picked. I had my hand around it and was pulling it off when I caught sight of my worst enemy, a spider. Normally spiders are content to flee like hell's hounds are on their eight hairy, creepy, ugly as sin heels, but not this one. There was a nanosecond where my two eyes somehow made contact with it's four clusters of eyes before it charged. I jumped back and to the left, nearly tripping over and destroying a tomato plant in the process, and saving my own life at the same time. My nemesis didn't have time to adjust for my change in position; she kept charging and, reaching the end of her leaf, leapt. She flew through the space my body, more specifically my chest, had just occupied and landed a good three feet away from the plant she'd launched from.

     Being the wuss that I am when faced with nature, and especially spider and nature together, I screamed and ran back inside, all three ears of corn in hand. I was never going to pick corn ever again. Never. Ever. And I told my mom as much.

     She gave me a look that said it all, "how can my daughter be afraid of the outside world when I was raised on a ranch? What the hell?" I didn't notice however, as the adrenaline of having narrowly escaped spider-inflicted death was still pumping through my veins. With an exasperated sigh, she took the corn from me and proceeded to prepare it. The first ear was perfectly okay. The second ear? Ditto.

     On the third ear, she found an egg sack. And suddenly Kamikaze Spider's actions made sense. She was protecting her young, and that required attacking me. I would have felt bad, if she hadn't brutally attacked me, only letting up when I limped away to the house. Heck, I would have felt bad if she wasn't hairy and eight-legged with a face only a blind, retarded monkey could love. It was a mercy killing, really. Her children would have been just as hairy, and leggy, and ugly. Also, I wanted my friggin corn.

Demon in the Roses

     I flew down the hall on feet made of fury. There was another cat on our property again. Tardzilla and Captain Apathy weren't having any of it; whatever moron feline had decided to encroach on our territory was to be set upon and taught a lesson about trespassing. I found them twisting and weaving in a dance of hatred at the door. The open door.

     I crept up slowly, trying my best to startle a few felines as possible. Unfortunately, I made a wrong step and my fearless defenders bolted for the couch. Did I say fearless? I mean cowardly. I was in sight of the door by the time this happened, but all I caught of the intruder was a flash of white. White is a common color for cats, right? Tardzilla is half-white, after all.

     If I wanted this to end now, I'd have to charge out there and risk that other cat's life by running it across the street and making it think twice about fucking with my house (cats). So I hunted around for a flashlight and shoved my feet into a pair of shoes. I could have gone barefoot; the gravel behind the house hasn't killed my bare feet yet, despite its pointy, malicious attempts, but the point was no longer stealth. It was to make as damn much noise as possible without waking the neighbors to give that cat something to think about the next time it looked at my house.

     However, because it was two in the morning and dark out, I erred toward loud stealth, taking small carefully thought out steps to get around the back of the house. Where was that damn cat? Normally they got cocky and waited about halfway around the back of the house. I swung my flashlight beam around, finding nothing in mom's raised tulip bed, or the irises, or near the truck. Then I found hell incarnate hiding under the roses.

     It was horrifying to behold. My flashlight caused its eyes to glow with a hellish quality that seemed to promise that I would be at its mercy in seconds. It was hunched, wrinkled, malformed; like a chinchilla made of spiders covered in fur harvested from baby foxes and sewn together with thread made from baby seal leather. And it was staring right at me, not just at me, it was staring me in the eye.

     My heart stopped in shock before remembering that it was supposed to keep my blood circulating, after which it ran faster and hard, its footfalls pounding in my ears. I resisted the urge to scream bloody murder, knowing that if I did, my life would be forfeit. I couldn't get help, I was on my own, and I had to find a way out of this.

     The way I see it now, I had two options. I could have waited the three hours it would take for the sun to rise, thereby ensuring that this creature was banished indefinitely to whatever hellish niche it crawled out of and preventing it from preying on some other unsuspecting teenager. Or I could find a way to extricate myself from the situation, heroics be damned, and run like hell back into my house, to my room, and under the covers of my bed where I could cry myself to sleep knowing that I'd just witnessed evil far greater than anything man has yet to imagine, Chinhella. I couldn't think, I didn't even know there was a second option outside of running for my life and hoping that it didn't have friends waiting for me to be herded into their grasp where they'd promptly devour my flesh as I writhed in agony, still alive. Obviously, I chose to run.

     Maintain eye contact, I told myself, forcing my feet to move in small increments to take my back the way I'd come. Chinhella didn't seem to notice my attempt to escape. He was too busy staring at me with those windows to the very fires of hell he called eyes. Eventually I rounded the corner of the house, I was mere yards from safety now, and I broke into a sprint, caring little for the gravel, the possibility of spider webs in my face. All I cared about was making it to the sliding glass door, getting on the other side of it, and sliding the thing into the fucking closed position to protect me a mine from the evil lurking in our shrubberies.

     Somehow, I made it, sliding the glass door back in place just in time to feel, more than see, my nemesis slam into the door with killing intent. I was safe, wasn't I? It couldn't get through a double-paned glass door, right?

     It disappeared after that, returning to its hellhole, I hoped. Nonetheless, I waited for two hours, various bludgeoning instruments in hand at various times, waiting for Chinhella to return like a bad horror movie. It never did, though I still fear its return to this day and have prepared sufficient weaponry to protect myself. Chinhella 2: The Wrath of Chinhella, must never, ever happen again.


Totally an over-dramatic re-enactment of something that happened to me a few summers back. I waited about half an hour, poised by the window with a flashlight only to discover that Chinhella was actually an adorable little possum. I suppose I really ought to be glad he wasn't a skunk instead.