I was going to write something about how I was a hipster before Fall Out Boy because as mainstream as they come, and how I avoided Facebook like the plague until a few years back, all in honor of Google+, which I am impatiently waiting to join, because I've already accepted that Google will rule the world at some point, so I might as well stay on their good side (also, if Gmail is any indication of their ability to do everything better than everyone else, G+ ought to be amazing). But I didn't know where to go with that, really, and, besides, where's the humor in it?
So, instead, I will be an asshole, and gather a number of poorly written comments, posts, etc, from Facebook, and attempt to decode them. Because nothing says, "I love you," like, "I find you worthy of my company, but you'd be worthier if you wrote in English." So, without further ado...
1. "na i was just there. i think hes in the future trying to steal futuristic weapons to bring back to this time so he can be a gun ho bad ass lol haha"
Initially, this comment seems pretty straightforward. Someone is in the future stealing guns to bring back to our time. But let's take a step further and look at it both more literally and on a deeper level of understanding. Just below the surface is an ingeniously written, tragic story, really.
Thomas 'Hes' A. Bastard was a pirate serving on one of the many ships that frequented Port Royal in 16951, until he fell through a temporal distortion and was transported to the distant future. After wandering the deserted wastelands of Neo America, he discovered a settlement of people, if they could be called that after hundreds of years of oppression, working under the trigger happy supervision of the Xenons, a race of cyborgs.
After seeing the future of mankind, Hes awakens to his duty. Everything in his life has been leading up to this event. It's his destiny to prevent the Xenons from coming into power - from existing, if possible. So, with the help of Marta, a hot, busty girl with a rebellious streak, and an innocent Xenon orphan named Choppah, he comes up with a plan to steal the Xenon's secret weapon, The Captomatros, and go back in time.
While gathering the materials and information needed to infiltrate the Xenon fortress, Hes falls irreversibly in love with Marta and happily cooperates when she tries to seduce him, though the experience is soured when it turns out that she was secretly a Xenon the whole time and was only seducing him to get information about his origins. After that, she leaves him, returning to her life as a Xenon. It pains him, but he channels that pain into unbridled rage.
Forced to come up with a new plan, Hes undergoes a number of dangerous surgeries, performed by Doc, a shady Xenon with questionable motives, to become a Xenon. Once he's healed up, he sneaks into the Xenon stronghold, making it most of the way to where they were keeping the weapon before someone realizes he's not supposed to be there and sets off the alarm. He fights the rest of the way, only to come face to face with Marta in the hall outside the Captomatros's storage room.
Though it's been nearly a year, his feelings for her are still tender, and he nearly loses his life because he's unwilling to hurt her. Eventually he subdues her, only to be told that he has a son. In this moment of distraction, he's shot. With only minutes left to live, he busts into the storage room and activates the weapon.
After a flash of bright white light, Hes wakes up in his hammock on the ship. He remembers every detail of the future vividly, but there's no evidence that he was ever gone. Deciding to keep his dream, because that's what it must have been, to himself, he goes about his life as usual. However, while on shore leave in Port Royal, he runs into a woman on the street. It's Marta. She's human now, but she remembers everything as vividly as he does.
And then the credits roll, leaving you to wonder, "What the fuck just happened? Was it a dream the whole time? Or was the Captomatros some kind of thing like the Matrix? And what the hell happened to Choppah? Sonofabitch! I want answers."
1 As evidenced by the previous comment, which postulated that the man in question was in Port Royal in 1695.
Unfortunately, I was unable to locate any further comments exhibiting the qualities that would make it perfect for this exercise in analysis. I can't tell if I'm happy or angry about it. On one hand, that means my wall has a minimum of stupid on it... on the other hand, it has a minimum of stupid on it. What the hell do I friend these people for, then?
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